That my family was offering to you and ALL OF OUR OTHER FRIENDS....
It's not like-...
y'know what...what ever..
I did nothing but be close to you and a good friend to you.
But since yu want to cut me off so rudely.
You'll be surprise how many people DON'T CARE. Just like you.
....
At least I see him for what he really is now..
I shouldn't have expected much in the first place.

"He clearly has problems.."
I agree..

You don't deserve this..
you really don't.
You don't deserve to be a thought in my mind or anyone else's...
How anyone can even BEGIN to tolerate you is beyond me..
why you chose out of everyone to completely reject ME??...that's on your non existent conscience..
You don't deserve this..
but Love isn't something you have to deserve all the time...it's something everyone needs...
and I do love you as my friend...
and I'll be here when your hung high and dry..
and I hate to say it..but you will be...and soon too...
But I'll be here..praying for you..caring for you from a distance..
until you decide to stop this foolish acting out..
I'll be here..I'll be waiting..
even though you don't deserve it..
I'll be waiting...





why is everything getting so bad for not just me but now my closest loved ones too?...
=/
Please stay strong Misheck..please...it's breaking me inside to see you so upset.
Little sister loves you..


Lord give me strength to do what I need to do, when I need to do it..Make me strong Lord. Only you can..

..v

Everything could be so much worse..
And dispite the fact that I'm upset..it's something I can change alot easier than say..finding a home or a job?..finding a way to sustain yourself and siblings or child with no money or parental support?...dealing with the loss of a loved one??
I praise God I'm still alive..that I can still help and do some good..that I have friends that care..I do..that I have a home..parents who love me dearly and siblings who support and care for me..that I know who I am and I have a wonderful Master Saviour Lover and Friend that I can serve, talk to, show my care for...
I'm so happy..I'm so...blessed to have all these wonderful things...

of course I want him..of course I want him to talk to me..call me..txt me..be with me..
of course I want all of those things..and for christmas..that's all I want really lol
"maybe you should question your apporach.."
"my approach was infalliable!!"
"apprently not.."

..he's right..
he's supposed to be my friend and I'm being stupid about it..
I'll talk to him on Monday..if he's here..if not Tuesday..he doesn't work on Tuesday..
God give me strength..
Hopefully he'll be here on the weekend too...
It's easy to complecate things..and so hard to simplify them..ironic don't you think?

And I pray for strength..that I can get the courage to do what I need to do..and clairity..so my mind won't be so clouded with my desires that I ignore what I need to do..
Things will get better.
They will.

I'll hold on to Him forever..He's all I need..
I know that now..and I'm so happy to have accepted this...
I pray I only get stronger in Him..

Yeah sooo...

Goin to William's tomorrow night. =D
Cause Mike invited me, Darlene and Misheck over =D
and Will lives there and stuff lol.

But yeah. I'm gonna be polite and shizz and if I'm tired.
BEST BELIEVE..I'm taking a nap.
AND...I may ask William if I can play on his PS3; then go upstairs an play on it the entire time..
=D Should be fuuuuuuuuuuun...But who knows what I'll end up doing...I hope they have food cause I know I'm gonna be STARVING...

I need to pick out what to wear tomorrow..
cause I seriously want to just not wear clothes again tomorrow.
I just wore leggings and a tee shirt today and I was super comfy.
I wanna be super comfy tomorrow too..
SO ... I dunno..I gotta find out...
I'll go upstairs and see what I'm in a feel for..

So yeah..
ummm.....I want soup..I have no money on my card and it makes me cry. lol
I had mad gas today like..whoa..I'm never drinking starbucks again..
I think that's why i was so hyper..hyperactive der..
yeah. I am hyperactive..
UGH!!! I seriously don' want to go to physics tomorrow...
but! I kinda have toooo....
ew.


y'know. I used to actually be upset that I couldn't joke and make William laugh and shit..
but now..I really don't care..cause I can talk to him...like..however I want. And harrass him and stuff and he just sits and takes it caue he's my friend lol..and I'm like.."hmm.. now that I think about it I don't constantly laugh with every single one of my friends. But I just love the fact that all the people I consider my friends. I can talk to. Point out random stuff to..like I can do that with Will now. like...it's come to a point where I've realized I need to focus on myself. My friends will always be my friends. The won't abandon me just because I don't talk to them. I just wanna live and be me and focus on becoming one of the greatest most well renouned crazy architects/designers/cartoonists/illustrators/artists that ever lived. (I know Will, Misheck(especially) and Phil are gonna be my competition..I'm gonna top them..believe it. (gabby too. Her designs are cool. As for the cartoon side..CHUCK AVERY. Man was a charater genius. I want my characters to be as memorable as his. And for the art part: Jeremy Hartley. the truest artist that ever lived no doubt. I love that little man and I do miss him..)) Love will come eventually. Me and William's relationship will bud as long as I don't butt in and don't push anything and just let things flow and let God do his biz.

I like being happy even when i'm sad. I do that by praising God for allowing me to wake up and gracing His presence on me and protecting me and loving me in everyway even when I take advantage of Him. I apologize and pray that no matter what happens on this day that it's all a result of your will. Even if I have a disappointing day. I want to live that day fully for him. And talking to whoever he wants me to talk to. Yeah duh I always wanna talk to Will. But I know I don't have to put myself in his line of sight. or get noticed. Like how he comes down with Misheck I go up with Darlene. lol Then we interact. Darlene directs to him and me alot and Misheck directs to me and Will alot. They do equal for each other simply cause they talk to each other alot already. lol. Then we just address each other whenever we want. He's..so honest to the point it's bold and can come off as sassy and rude. But he's really just being honest. All he does is say what he feels he wants to say. And alot of the time it's corny and funny...and even more times it's rude. lol But it's Will. Just like how I say ditzy stupid crazy silly bold rudish sweetsy honest and I guess random? things alot just because I feel like saying it. But it's me. I get hyped up. I get super excited. I get loud. I laugh with everything I have. I laugh at almost everything. I laugh til it hurts. I smile almost all the time. I make a big deal of things. I get easily distracted. I like shiny things. I don't talk to you unless I have something to say to you that involves you in some manner or form. Or I just feel like saying it to you. Point is. That's just me. And the more Will talks to me..the more he sees and just accepts that...he's good at that..not caring and accpeting things..but I cross one boundary at a time. I kinda know what he won't care about and what he does. I can go on his computer but can't like take it and be all crazy with it..I have to be extra careful. He's finiky about his stuff...umm....another thing I learned is...he really doesn't care..about alot...lol umm...but he looks out for his buddies...Speaking of which..I gotta clarify the solutions to all my ordeals...cause he does ask about them meaning he apparently genuinely cares..I may talk to him in the morning or something...about it...or something...whatever.
But yeah...I know I have friends. I know who they are. I've been ignoring myself however.
I kept thinking to have friends I had to be something like Darlene and steal the attention..but I have no idea what to do with it when i have it..I realized I can be myself. I honestly have nothing to say until i feel like saying it or..I just have something to say...I will blurt it out if I feel like it. i miss the moment sometimes cause I'm off in a daydream...oh. William also mumbles to himself but he won't say what he says...=/....misheck is like..my older brother...number two. and darlene is like my older sister lol..they're so wonderful..when the four of us just chill..we all just talk to each other. when misheck and darlene are foolin around me an will just chat it up about people that pass by or whatever random outburst i may say..it's pretty cool..i act like a destructive teen with misheck while darlene plays around with will.
It's all awesome. I like the four of us just hangin out. I don't hang with them for most of the day so..yeah. I mean. i dunno. that class is just cool. Me and gabby are friends of friends. lol we can laugh and stuff with our friends and we address each other and say hi but I wouldn't call us friends. I simply don't talk to her like that yet. I never hang around her so I'm just not comfortable with her much...but I'm chill with everyone in that studio. i say hi and chat for a bit at times.

It's fun..being me...going outside to chill by myself..
I really wanna improve my drawing..
heidi-overdosin
I kinda like that song.
Kimora makes me laugh. She's always herself. No matter what that is. That's why I love her. She always encourages people to be beautiful and be themselves. All the time.
=D

I really want some ginseng soda.

I love my life..cause it's not going in my direction. It's going in God's...and ...I'm happy about that..it's tough..cause I rarely get what I want..and money's a pinch..but I'm still happy and content..
I give off an illusion of business lol..wonderful...
there are so many books I wanna buy...when we went to Will's house I was sitting down and Mike was like "why are you so quiet I thought you wanted to see the house right?" and practically immediately I was like "ok let's go upstairs!" and I just like shot up and ran up stairs and mike followed. lol and misheck and will and darlene were laughing at me and misheck was like "that was quick" lol..so I saw will's room and I yelled that it was a dump and he was like it's messy cause I haven't put away anything yet! and I was like oh. then I went into mike's room and he has like a mini architecture library and has like..sooooo many shoes that it could be another foot locker..but misheck has more..wow...and so anyway..I saw dwayne's room and it was cool. I used the bathroom. The rooms smell nice. I told william I was stealing a shirt but then I took it back cause the shirt I wanted to steal was a gift from his sister..soooo I was in the midst of choosing another shirt when he kept saying no and said he'd buy me one when he goes back home this winter break. and I told him ok..make it a long sleeve one and he said ok I said thank you then went back upstairs and looked at mike's books with darlene. and will came up and i was just comming out of his room and I went back into mike's and so I he came out of dwaynes room with a blankie and I was like "that your blankie?" and he was like no it's old I'm throwing it away.. and so we all ended up in mikes room talking about books and teachers and misheck was like comfy and watching the game lol..then we eventually left like..5 min after we came back down stairs. and he was like you guys are gonna come over and hang tomorrow right? and me and darlene were like..SURE! lol

so yeah.

Mike's place tomorrooooow....I'm gonna need juice and banana cake. then maybe I can ask for a 200 buck stipen for the next month? lol

yeahh...

I'm tired and thirsty and hungry...I just want some soup..so I can umm...sleep and eat and...I need to pick out my outfit tomorrow..it's gonna be hot and I'm gonna porbably walk around tomorrow..or chill outside..I'm gonna go walk around the reservior tomorrow....just relax some..I'm gonna wear my skirt cause i don't wanna wear pants and I wanna flow. =D I may wear jeans...i dunno..I'll find out tonight when I put it on. mmm I may just wear the dress and bring my jeans to change into when i don't wanna be so open and I'm tired of the dress...wither jeans or some sweat pants...i need new ones...colored ones...

I wanna buy so many architecture and art books like..it's crazy..I may just sit in borders one day and just...like...draw lol out of the book since I can't buy it yet...yeah...my christmas list is gonna be full of books. i wanna start up y own library like my daddy. =) and read them all and draw something from them all...like..I wanna develop in my art but i feel indered cause i don't understand the body muscles fully..especially for men..and I don't have any programs...I think I'm gonna bring my laptop tomorrow..and see if I can install a softwear will has lying around somewhere..misheck has it..I'm gonna ask him..to do mine tomorrow..


really want some juice.
and cake...lol...
Ok I need to wake up an excersie tomorrow.


ok
..v

He just waited until I stopped being so stubborn.
Me and Will get along really well.
=]
he's fun to mess with haha.


Nah. We're friends...
I cn finally call him my friend..
=]
that feels good...

I'm gonna harass him over the summer and yell happy birthday in his ear on June 27!
=D
Yeah. He like..addresses me directly..
it's awesome.
Will is so weird but he's really cool.
=]
I like him.

..v

But God isn't.
He's incredible. And I love him.
And He's the only person I can put all my faith trust and love in and not get hurt.
He's blessed me with an incredible family that I can do the same with; sure we fight and there are let downs..but none so huge that we never make up for it. Not every family is like that. And even though we're dysfunctional..I believe I have the best dysfunctional family in the world. Cause we have God and we have his Love. That's what holds us all together.
=]

but back to God.
God is everything to me.
And he has never let me down.
Sure things haven't gone "my way"...but my way usually ends up as a huge screw up anyway.
Then I pray and he leads me down the right path..of course I veer off...cause I may see something distracting...then I end up broken and disappointed...but he makes everything better in the end...I just have to stay strong..

They're are days I want to cry.
Just cry and ask.."why"..."what's the purpose of all this"
But I don't bother with details anymore...i dunno...
I feel full but my human flesh feels empty and is still hurting...
Of course I'm healing. Praises to God. But I still hurt...
I just want someone to take that all away...
I wanted it to be Will.
But I honestly don't want to bother myself with him anymore..
And the weirdest thing is that I miss him.
And I hate that.
But what I hate the most is that I can't tell him that.
At all.
or ever for that matter.
But I want him to know.
I want him to know everything.
How in infiltraits my thoughts when I don't think about him at all that day..
how he shows up in my dreams completely uninvited!
...I well up with distaste whenever I think about him.
My heart burns with a passion to punch him right in his stomach..and kiss him all at the same time...
that feeling? is BEYOND irritating...


But I don't want him to go away...
I just want the feeling to calm down...
I do want to be his close friend..
but whether or not it ever reaches that point...
is up to God.
He won't talk to me.
And honestly?....I'm starting to be just fine with that..




That was a god let out...not really..
cause nothing went away...
oh well..


..v

Shey...can you chew with your mouth closed? is it REALLY that fucking hard??
The most irritating sound...EVER..
=/

And saved me from myself. =D
She has a funny way of doing that.

We were at her brothers dorm.
I was...open again..and like...talked to people lol..
it was weird...
Cuase I remember.
NEVER being able to do that like..in my life.
Charlotte is my new bud.


Pierre knew Will.



And Misheck.
And Phil.
And Jamil.
=/



My world is TOO SMALL now.

So I texted Will.
I didn't think he'd even ask me like...what's up or anything.
I thought he would say...yes or no. And that's that.
...
he said "what's up?"..
=]

So I told him what happened and told him Marjorie wanted to see him.
He said if she can make it then sure.
..

I'm surprised he even asked me whats up..
now he's like..having a text convo with me.
=D


So we made it.
And he was ... Will..my big brother again...=]
It felt so good to have him back like...
I was so happy...
Me and Marjorie prayed together..
That our relationship will blossom into the closeness it once was..
My heart is starting to calm down and not be so anxious anymore..
like..
I think I may be comfortable .... walking up to where Will is and just..
saying "sup?" again...
=]

Even after: I texted him telling him thank you and that he was awesome lol.
I never expect a text back...but he did..
he said no problem and that he hoped she enjoyed it. =D

Big Brother Will is back....somewhere in there..
=]

but yeah...
I just gotta make the initiative.
The boyfriend told me so.
Just go over there and say "sup" and when people are around and stuff..
just come back another time.
It doesn't have to be deep.
Just..show you care some lmao..


Seeing Marjorie...
lifted my spirits beyond belief..like..God heard me..
And fortunately for me..He answered my plea that moment..
I missed everyone so much..Seeing Marjorie gave me a new confidence to just keep going on..
like..I'm me..and people love me for it..
I'm excitable..I'm friendly..I'm just..me..and I like that feeling..
I just wish I could talk and chill with my old friends more..and I know as time moves on I'll have people to chill with..
I'm a freshman DUH.
=]

Praise God..like..he gave me so much reassurance and confidence tonight that WILL NOT be wasted tomorrow. If he can see me through it and help me use it.
I'll be there for Will..God will show us both that path someday.
For now all I can do is pray for him.
And just say.."sup"...whenever I get the chance.
Bags in hand or not. y'know?
BUT NOT WHEN GABBY'S THERE.
=/
No offense Lord but...for some reason she has it out for me..
And I KNOW. She's up to no good.
Not for me...
Help me Lord everyday plz..
I need it..






Tonight..
Was one of the BEST WEEKDAY NIGHTS.
I've EVER had on campus.
I love my Cousins.
=D
No joke.

<3 ..v

..for now.
ch'

But anyway.
I'm not complaining.
Everything is tolerable right now.
=]


I finally got my priorities straight when I realized what I was doing.
I didn't come to school to be William's friend.
Or to make friends for that matter.

Yeah
it's a huge plus..
But not the prime reason.
I came here to be an architect.
And that's what I'm gonna be.

I'll make friends along the way.
Because they're gonna be there to help me.
And I them.
It's MY class that's gonna be like family. Not me and William's class...
but that feeling is still there.
And I'm leaving it in God's hands now to use me as he wishes.
Because I definitely have no idea of what the hell I'M doing lmao.
But yeah... a funny thing happened yesterday.
Stan and Billy.
Stan was like "this is my brother man!
We were always meant to be brothers but it just never happened...physically lol. ..but it happened. *smiles* it happened.."
*Billy smiles back*

....wow...
it was strangely something I needed to hear.
The feeling was bugging me.
Cause it was still there when I gave it up to God.
I had to be God imposed upon me so that I wouldn't forget that:
William. I'm going to help you.
I don't know how.
But I will.
And in this process.
We'll become close. Family close.
And you'll start to care for me. Like a little sister.
Like Dan used to...
And I'll look up to you like a big brother.
We'll have our own jokes. And possibly a language that we mixed between English and Japanese. haha!
But I know we're gonna be close William.
And I'll help you..at least I'll try..and if I don't. I'll stick by your side anyway.
Cause..for some reason...I know you need someone there...in a different way...perhaps...perhaps.

But amywho.
yah.
So I'm over that.
I'm just letting the winds take me wherever they blow.

But yeah...now theres another issue..I'll call her Ray.
Ray...is a living breathing...self denying contradiction.
It's pretty insane.
It's a lot to write some I'm saving it for later.
But it's all truth in itself...
It's all so insane.
I have paper shit to print out.
I'll catch ya on the flip side.

<3 & ..v